Get Terrorized

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Tue, 27 Nov 2012 14:15:10 -0500

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ones!

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Mon, 26 Nov 2012 12:53:56 -0500

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is so awesome! Cant wait to do more!

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Sun, 25 Nov 2012 02:20:43 -0500

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Sun, 28 Oct 2012 16:31:14 -0400

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Thu, 18 Oct 2012 16:34:58 -0400

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Tue, 16 Oct 2012 15:45:19 -0400

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Sun, 14 Oct 2012 14:25:36 -0400

Omg this is so exciting! I cant wait for next ones! Check it out

it's been a while..

Sun, 23 Oct 2011 12:38:52 -0400

since i have posted on here. because for the time being my life had been awesome, and now out of the blue my parents kicked me out for a while and my boyfriend told me he doesnt know if he loves me anymore

i am devastated. i am heart broken. i feel so worthless and shitty and useless and pathetic. i want to tell him i dont know if i love him anymore or not but that would be a lie. i want to be okay with this break but im not

how can i be? we have been doing well or so i thought. and within the past two days it all just fell apart. and now im left high and dry and wondering what the hell happened and why things are the way they are.

i hate this so much., i feel so sick. and i cant stop crying.im trying not too but its hard.

i feel like my head is spinning my body is tensing up im shaking… i feel like i am going to...

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 21:58:20 -0400

i feel like my head is spinning

my body is tensing up

im shaking…

i feel like i am going to throw up…this is too much to handle

just because i have known that this was coming doesnt make it any easier

i love you papi…please hang in there until i can make it down to say goodbye..

People always say that every cloud has a silver lining. They say to believe and never give up hope....

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 03:17:09 -0400

People always say that every cloud has a silver lining. They say to believe and never give up hope. To stay strong and cheer up, those things will improve. They make it seem easier than it really is. But what happens when things don’t improve? Believing in hope is one of the hardest things in life to do. I know from experience, I’ve hit rock bottom and it is the most gut wrenching, awful, miserable feeling in the world.

Hitting rock bottom is like having a billion needles stabbing you in the heart, lungs, and brain until you are physically numb. Waking up in the morning becomes a dreadful task. It is as though there is nothing to live for. The world loses its color, its joy, its wonder. Everything you once loved is now everything you hate. Think of the worst day of your life, hitting rock bottom is like living your worst day all over again every second of every day. Only instead of things improving, they worsen. Rock bottom is when being dead sounds better than being alive. At least, that’s what it was like for me and on October 31, 2010, I had it all planned out, I was going to kill myself.

Depression and anxiety are things that I have struggled with for years. Some of the things I have been through in my life still send shiver up my spine and give me nightmares at night. I used to be so terrified of people that the idea of striking up a conversation with someone new made me physically sick. I had no purpose or direction. I worked two jobs that I hated and at night I would come home, walk down the long hallway into my room, shut the heavy wooden door, close my eyes, and violently shake for hours. My body would tense up, I was petrified with fear. The beginning of a panic attack, a feeling I am used too these days. It is like the walls of my mind are falling down in slow motion. It feels like you are in someone else’s body. It hurts to breathe; your stomach does these flip flops for hours. Words, thoughts, actions, things I said, things I wish I had said, all begin racing around my head. It’s almost as though my mind is a racetrack and my thoughts are the cars, except there is no end. The dark despair of yesterday turns into frustrations of today. The night is over, the clock has moved faster than the speed of light, and suddenly, it is a new day; another day to feel like a failure and a waste of space.

Eventually panic attacks become too much and the desire to do something more overtakes. So I go into the bathroom cabinet, I find as many different pills as I can. Two, eight, fourteen, thirty six, before I know it I have taken twelve times the recommended dose of a variety of pills. Then I lay down. The soft, smooth, cold touch of a pillow, the scent of dogs and candles fills the air; followed shortly by the smell and taste of vomit. The human body wasn’t meant to overdose on cold medicines. Remains of dinner from hours before now covers my body and my bed, the texture grosses me out and drives me to the bathroom to clean off.

I get up from the bed with intent to take a shower. Inside the damp, yellow shower next to the bright purple bottles of shampoo and conditioner, above the green, winter fresh scented soap, there are several razors, with a pair of tweezers they quickly come apart. Shiny, cold, hard, sharp metal now rests in the palm of my hand. Without thinking I wrap my small hands around the metal, crimson red blood flows from the center of my palm. I open my hand to realize that I have sliced right through the thick skin and am bleeding all over the white tile floor. Fear overcomes my body. “What have I done?” I think to myself. But then an idea over powers the fear, a plan forms, and before I know it, my body is covered in puffy, swollen, red, irritated, cuts. I clean up the mess on the floor and dispose of the towel in the giant brown garbage can in the far left corner of the garage. I put on my p.j.’s and for the first time in a long time I feel as though I am about to do the right thing. I carry a bottle of Febreese into my bedroom and dowse my blankets and carpet in what is supposed to smell like fresh rain, though it smells more like stale puke. I sit on the edge of my bed, I grab the black picture frame that lays on my night stand, pick up my favorite stuffed animal and I hug them tightly to my chest. I lay them down neatly on the bed next to me and then I gather a pen and a notebook and I begin writing my note to my family. I struggled for a long time with what to write, after many hours of deliberation, preparation, and thought, I am ready. I wasn’t sure when I was going to do it, but I knew it was coming.

Halloween morning, the wind is blowing, the sun is beating down on my face, in the distance I can hear children laughing and playing and enjoying life. It’s a strange feeling knowing that you are planning to die. It’s a bittersweet moment. I made one last feeble attempt to change things, so that when I proceeded with this evenings plans, at least I could say I tried everything I could to do to change things. All at once everything from the past two years had become too much. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I couldn’t live the way things were going. I gave up hope. That night, I got into my car, I turned my music up as loud as I could, to drown out the nagging voice inside my mind telling me to stop, that this was a bad idea, and I drove. I had no clue where I was going but I knew I needed to get far away from where I was. I found some leftover depression medicine from months before, a bottle of sleeping pills, and an array of medicines I had managed to snag from various places. I took everything I had in my possession, and then I headed for the towering power line ahead. I increased the speed of my car from 35 to 95mph, still pressing on the gasoline, I could now see the overbearing power line getting closer and closer and suddenly I heard something for the first time. It was a song that I had heard a thousand times before but somehow it seemed louder, more powerful, almost as though I was meant to hear it, and just like that I slammed on the breaks and veered slightly in the road, missing the power line by mere inches. My heart was racing, maybe it was because I had taken too many pills, or maybe it was because I had escaped death by so little, regardless, I knew that this wasn’t what I wanted. That it wasn’t my time to go. I sat for what felt like a life time listening to this song on repeat, the chorus stuck forever in my mind, and then I drove home. I broke down and told my parents everything, I begged for them to help me, and after a lot of name calling and fights, they finally agreed. But things didn’t improve right away. In fact for six months after that night I still continued to self harm, I still continued to have panic attacks, I still continued to feel helpless. Talking to a psychiatrist didn’t help the way everyone said it would.

Then one fateful March evening I met this boy. At first we were just friends, but I quickly fell for him, like an avalanche falls from a rock. I didn’t share too much of my past with this boy at first, I was scared I would scare him off. One night I was having a panic attack and I desperately needed someone to talk to and as afraid of scaring him as I was, I needed someone I trusted, and he was one of the only people at the time. And to my surprise his response was as opposite as the sun is from Pluto. He was caring and understanding. He told me that while he did not support what I did, he understood why but that he wished I would stop because I meant a lot to him. That was the first time in years someone had said that I meant something to them or acted as though they cared. This boy who had every reason to think I was a freak and never speak to me again was more supportive and caring than the people who raised me and were supposed to love me unconditionally. And just like that I stopped cutting, I stopped popping pills, and everything in life seemed a little bit brighter. The boy told me that if I ever needed a friend he would always be there, and to this day he still is. We stayed friends for a few months, I needed time to get myself together, and we both needed time to get to know each other more. And then in May he asked me out on a date. That was the first date I ever went on and it was like every perfect, girly, firework filled fantasy I could ever imagine. I knew from that second on that I wanted nothing more than for him to be in my life. He asked me out on my birthday and we have been together ever since.

Over a period of several months this boy has restored my hope. He has restored my belief in people and in love. He has made me realize that I am better than the things I was doing and that even though I can’t always see it I am worth so much more. For the first time in nine-teen years I feel as though I matter to someone. I feel like I can take on the world. I am happy. The kind of happiness that everyone dreams about but it only seems realistic in the movies. If you would have told me seven months ago that today I would be in love with my best friend, I would have told you that you were crazy. But I believe that everything happens for a reason. The reason why I didn’t kill myself last Halloween isn’t because I was scared, it’s because it wasn’t my time to go. I went from believing that my life was worth nothing to realizing that I can do anything. If it wasn’t for this boy showing me true, unconditional love, I don’t know where I would be. I still have my doubts, but I know now that even when I hit rock bottom and it feels like I can’t possibly get any lower than I already am, that the only thing I can do is believe in hope. And believe that every cloud does have a silver lining, even if it takes a long time to see it from the ground.

im back!

Tue, 23 Aug 2011 03:14:32 -0400

hello tumblr…i have missed you :) no worries though…i am back!

first day of school went well. staying up mostly all night so i can see the most amazing boyfriend in the world in 4hours..then we sleep all day! (YAY!)

this year is gonna be good

trips to the zoo with my favorite guys <3

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 18:40:05 -0400

trips to the zoo with my favorite guys <3

i never believed in love. never believed that two people could be happy together and not want anyone...

Wed, 08 Jun 2011 19:06:35 -0400

i never believed in love. never believed that two people could be happy together and not want anyone else. never believed that someone could make your hearts race and your stomach do flippy flops and makes you melt inside. i never believed that one person could come into my life one day and the next be all i could think about. and then i met you. you came into my life and swept me off my feet and believed in me when no one else did. you have helped me through so much and despite my quirks and flaws, you have stuck by my side. you may not be my dream guy, but honestly, you are 1000000000005843295823457892346572304 times better then anything i could ever imagine. and i am so lucky. i am the happiest i have ever been and it is all thanks to you <3

you make me happy. and you make me feel like anything is possible. you are the greatest thing to happen to me. hands down.

body painting with the boyfriend...

Sat, 04 Jun 2011 16:48:28 -0400

body painting with the boyfriend :)

(ilovebeingabletocallhimthat)<3

birthday plans..

Fri, 03 Jun 2011 10:57:54 -0400

so i turn 19 today.

its weird, i feel older then i should.

spending the morning catching up on grey’s anatomy and vegging out, jared is taking me out tonight :)

i meet the the Avanties Dome tomorrow at 9 to look over the venue for my event on New Years eve. I have one week to put together a proposal for the childrens home.

i guess i should work on that today, but i feel like doing nothing >.<

so many thoughts are running through my mind. day is off to a weird start. hopefully it improves.

it is so hard to stay awake right now. desperately trying to get season 3 of grey’s anatomy...

Fri, 27 May 2011 03:33:12 -0400

it is so hard to stay awake right now.

desperately trying to get season 3 of grey’s anatomy downloaded so i can watch a couple of episodes before i go to jareds house (for some very much needed cuddle and sleep time!)

im going to end up getting there and passing out as soon as i lay down >.< but at least when i wake up, the first thing i will see will be his beautiful eyes and adorable smile and super cute face….mmm perfect way to wake up. <3

i like him a lot. i trust him a lot. its this strange weird feeling and im not used to it at all. im not sure how i am supposed to respond to it. but i like it. i like knowing he is mine, i like waking up next to him and holding his hand. i like kissing him, god do i like kissing him. his lips are soft and sweet and mmmm hes just amazing. i am lucky. very very very lucky and i dont know how or why but at the same time i dont care.

im excited. im excited to spend the entire day with him again :) tomorrow is going to be a good day…i just need to stay awake for three more hours >.<

i miss you when you aren’t here.

Thu, 26 May 2011 23:29:07 -0400

i miss you when you aren’t here.

Put good use to those old, loose shirts.

Sun, 22 May 2011 16:24:41 -0400

Imma try this.

once upon a time

Sun, 22 May 2011 13:50:48 -0400

a girl met this boy. and he made her feel alive. the end <3

In the Midst Of Lions

Thu, 19 May 2011 15:02:39 -0400

In the Midst Of Lions